I woke up this morning and realised...It doesn't hurt anymore. I tried to dredge up all those facts that have in the past caused me great pain...NOTHING...
I don't know when the hurt and pain slunk out of the back door unnoticed and I realise they may be back for a visit, like a pair of unwelcome relatives with their loud shirts and bulging overnight bags BUT they have gone without a forwarding address for now.
I took out the WEDDING ALBUM ...paged through the pages....NOTHING...When Roger first walked out on me, I couldn't imagine a day without pain over the loss and hurt I felt; but here it is.
My life is not perfect, I spent nearly two decades obsessing and trying to make the marriage work, it was my ultimate purpose and my passion. My singlemindedness took many forms, both healthy and unheathy.
In it's place there is a void. I have scattered purpose and vague direction, but I have burning bright choice and from the charred rubble of the old life, I could choose to build a new one brimming with ....anything I please. A real chance to start all over again. Like the veldt after a devastating busvelt fire, black and seemingly without hope, but alive with a million tiny green shoots of possibility...
Luky me, lucky,lucky me!
My past still hurts! I relish the thought that some day I too can have this experience. Even if it does occasionally sneak back for visits. I am so proud of you and I want to grow up to be just like u!!
ReplyDeleteIt will happen when you least expect it too, that part of you will just forget to hurt anymore.
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs