1) Breathe, just breathe. Realize this is going to be a bit like child birth. When you are 9 months pregnant and your first contraction starts, THERE IS NO ESCAPE...no way around it, you have to go through it. Same here, when your spouse walks out that door, no amount of begging, pleading, guilting him or promising him dire acts of suicide will change his mind, and if it does, he'll come back grudgingly or only in body. Hand your marriage over to "your higher power" if He ( Or whatever pronoun fits for you) chooses to ressurect your extinct marriage He will do it in his own time and in his own way, so don't interfere. Your job is to heal and learn. BREATHE AND LET GO.
2)Go to the bank and speak to someone who can advise you best.Close your joint account and open a new account in your name.Make a plan with the credit card too. Before I knew it Roger had maxed out the credit card in our name buying himself brand label clothes and taking his new girl to the Bahama's. There are a lot of things you thought he would never do. Make sure you don't end up having to pay for it.
3) Allow yourself to miss him and love him. Recognize when you do.Go easy on yourself. Feelings of love have a shelf life, eventually they will subside. You may always have a soft spot for the philandering lout, and that's ok. Even if your friends try to get you to hate him,give yourself permission to love him.The fact that you do speaks more about the kind of love you gave, and who you are, rather than a sign of weakness. BUT don't go and express those feelings to him, don't call him up to sing "I just called to say I loooooove youuuuuuuuu" Even if you are pitch perfect he isn't going to give you the golden ticket back into his life. You will probably be left feeling foolish and he will see this as nutty behaviour, more reason to leave you. Remember affairs take time and bucket loads of rationalization. He's been telling himself you are no longer the one for him for an age, no hysterical words on your part are magically going to change things and his pity is not what you want.
4) "Unfriend" him on facebook or other social networks. Don't be tempted to constantly stalk him on these websites either. The less he knows about what you are doing the better. Don't use facebook or twitter to update everyone on the various stages of your grief. Sooner of later he'll get to hear about it and start patting himself on the back for leaving you. ( a complete nutter)
5) Get in touch with the things you love. You may not be able to express the love you feel for him anymore, but there are other things you can love and loooove them to death. Your children, rotund cats, sunrises, sunsets, a good book, sunday roasts, your friends and famiy. old fashioned movies....be very aware of those things that fill your soul and include them into your life.If you are a list maker, make a list of all the things you love and have loved in the past. ( Try to exclude him on your list - if you can) Nature has a magical ability to heal. If you live on the coast, enjoy walks on the beach, seek out places of beauty in nature.
6) Use up ALL the space in the double bed, because you can. I started sleeping like a giant, prone land based starfish, my arms and legs spreadeagled.( Ahhhh the bliss...) This is one advantage you can maximize go ahead and give yourself the permission to enjoy it. You can do what you like now, snore loudly, fart in bed,( if that's what you into) kick to your hearts content, stay up late reading WITH THE LIGHT ON .
7) Get something snuggly like a delightfully soft and cuddly blanket. If you are like me an irrepressible snuggler, you going to have to find something to snuggle up to.Initially it is better if that object is not another man...
8) Redecorate your bedroom if your funds allow it. It doesn't have to be much, a change of paint colour may be all you need. I painted my bedroom a lovely midnight blue and found a new picture to hang up above the bed and I didn't need to worry about what Roger thought about it either, I could be unrestrainedly girly. Later, when I found the cash, I was able to buy a new set of bedding. Who wants to sleep on the same sheets you and THE MAN HO slept together on?
9) Journal, journal, journal... Let's face it - there's a lot of absurd crazy and demented thinking going on...Get it all out on paper. Write down all your fears and all your feelings - pretty soon you'll find that there is a strong wise and insightful sage lurking under all the craziness. You'll gain more respect for yourself as you get in touch with your own voice again, something you may have lost in the marriage.
10) Exercise. You may think this is a time to sit on the couch flipping the remote,a large tub of ice cream at your side with chocolates filling you gown pockets. THINK AGAIN.Exercise releases happy endorphins. There is something to be said for pacing on a treadmill, some lonesome cowboy song keening in your ears and your feet mindlessly moving, just moving. I used to imagine that every step I took was a step toward a better future for me and a step away from the heartbreak I felt. I used to say to myself, sometimes it wasn't quietly either, "You may have walked out on me, Bozo ( you're allowed to be uncomplimentary on your own) here's me walking away from you!
11) Listen to music. More than likely you will find a CD that speaks to your soul. I used to have the same CD in my CD player for months on end. The first time Roger left me, it was CHER who helped me through my misery. The second time, I have Jacksoul to thank and the finally ( I'm starting to look a little pathetic) it was Celine who reached down into my soul tweaked the parts of me that needed tweaking and whispered belief down deep into my questioning soul. What's going to be your heartbreak CD? ( I make no apologies for the artists used in my music first aid kit...)
12) Try to find women who have been through the same thing and may be further along the road to healing than you are. Avoid the bitter and twisted ones who will try to whip you up into a frothy man-hater such as themselves.
13) Get in touch with your spiritual side. Read the scriptures, pray or whatever else fills you up spiritually. Your spiritual reserves are going to be taxed in the next while so build up those reserves. If you haven't gone to church/synagogue or other holy house for a while, give it a try.
14) Take a class and learn something new, or improve in a skill you already have acquired. I started watercolour painting classes with an elderly house bound artist. We spent about two hours together a week talking, painting and laughing. I was a breath of fresh air for her and could help her with things she probably couldn't do for herself and she opened the doors in my soul to the new possibilities in me.
15) Reach out to those less fortunate than yourself. There will always be someone in a worse pickle than yourself. Forget yourself for a little while. It won't hurt.
16) Take extreme care of your physical self. Dress your best, go and have your hair done, paint your toenails,lose those pounds you promised yourself you would.... go and get a facial.
17) Develop a habit of gratefulness. Begin by listing all the wonderful experiences and things you have gained from the failed marriage. There is a lot of hurt and pain right now, but in the balance of things there were things you learned, memories you made, children conceived, for which you can be very grateful. Without Roger I wouldn't have gone to live in Canada or have met the most amazing Canadians that I did and that continue to bless my life. Without him I wouldn't have had the 5 wonderful children that I have....what a blessing. At the end of each week I listed the ways in which my life had been blessed so that I wouldn't overlook them, I began to feel very blessed even in my dire circumstances. Go ahead dare to be grateful.
18) Talk to your religious leader, your best friend and your therapist, they can correct your thinking when it gets stuck, or heads off at a tangent.
19) Get yourself ready for a time of great growth, make a commitment to acting with grace so that when the storm blows over you can remain proud of how you behaved and have very few cringey moments of regret.
20) Remember the best kind of REVENGE is to move on and find your own happiness, independent of the toad....and his piece of Fluff... after all for all her efforts her prize is HIM....
well-written and excellent, uplifting advice!
ReplyDeleteAwwww! Thanks!
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