It Gets Easier...is that a good thing?

Roger drove his dusty Mahindra into the driveway this morning to load up all the children. I was in my purple spotty flannel jammies, pink bathrobe, green fluffy socks and slippers. My hair had that tousled untouched au naturel  look about it. One of my more veteran divorced friends told me always to look your best when you see your ex and make sure your house is spotless. I have followed her advice up until this point. I would wake up early, feverishly tidy and scrub the house, straighten my hair and put on make-up. When he left, I would still feel like the food left on a plate, just before it gets scraped off into the garbage or the dogs bowl. The sloppy leftovers!

Instead this time I noticed, he had "man boobs" - did he have them before? I can't really remember. He was looking washed out and although his biceps looked slightly bigger I couldn't make out whether they were fatter or more muscular.He had what looked like a small varicose vein popping out of his left upper bicep. As he lowered his chin a grand double chin appeared all speckled with salt and pepper stubble. ( Does one applaud at these moments? It was an impressive one, I couldn't keep my eyes off it.)

He has asked me before to make lunch for these car trips. I had always made an excuse as to why I couldn't, but the truth was, I felt something akin to outrage at his asking. Am I still your wife? Making packed lunches for your trip? I wasn't about to do anything that would benefit the old git. Nasty, nasty, nasty!

This time, I needed no prompting and it was a pleasure going shopping and deciding what yummy treats to pack for Roger and the kids.I decided on chicken mayo rolls, apple, yogurt, a handful of chocolates, some biltong ( a little like beef jerky), a granola bar, a bag of sweets and a bag of Fritos. I labelled each bag with care as well as the bottle of flavoured water. For "breakfast on the road" I made "Egg Mc Muffins" which they could all eat in his car. I enjoyed being of service to him and the children. I didn't at any time consider whether I had a little anti-freeze in the garage or some rattex in the cupboard, I swear. No poisonous thoughts lurked behind the stage curtains of my mind.

As the dusty old car eventually moved inch by inch out of the gate, with a huge trailer in tow - I felt every bit the amazing diva in my mismatched fluffiness. Usually I would be beside myself with grief at having an empty house, no-one to make a mess and leave mugs of half drunk Milo on all surfaces. No-one rolling their eyes at me or trying on an outfit and then putting it in the laundry basket. No I was quite alone and content and happy that the kids gone to spend good time with their dad and his Fluff.

So - I can see progress, which is great. I feel much better about myself in his presence and I feel great about the direction my life is taking. This forty-something year old, isn't about to wallow in self pity about being the spare parts left after an upgrade, instead , my life is becoming more my own and less a reaction to Roger and his shenanigans. PROGRESS. SUCH PROGRESS!

WHY? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am making strides to build another life for myself. I am going to start studying next term. My books and materials should come by the thirtieth and then I begin the journey towards being a life coach. I finally plucked up the courage to phone "Toastmasters" and will begin honing my public speaking skills.I'm going up to Johannesburg to see about a parenting course I am planning to give. I'm walking, I'm toddling, I'm crawling, but I'm moving forwards and THAT has made all the difference in the world!