On being "fun"

I saw a friend of mine the other day who I knew as a child. Her family left an indelible impression on me as a child and I have such a huge amount of affection for them when I see them. We haven't seen each other for years and I was delighted to find out that they have children the same sex and ages apart as my three from the bottom. Already I was conjuring up in my mind images of their kids and mine becoming really good friends. Her husband was there playing with her kids. As much as I tried to coax my little one to play with her little one, I was met with great resistance.

N kept on hanging on me and asking to go home. I was irritated. Eventually she all but pushed me into the car.  I was embarrassed to say the least.I hastily said my goodbyes, wishing I could stay. I acknowledged to myself that somehow the discipline in the house had slipped and felt the usual helplessness as I considered how to improve things. ALONE. Here's an area where it really helps to have some backup. Two adults are better than one when it comes to stemming the tide of misbehaviour, my least favourite part of parenting.

 I started to probe a little to find out what all the hoo hah was about.The answer was very telling. N said categorically. "She has a dad who has  fun with her and plays with her" " Does that mean she can't be your friend I ask?" "No she can, but she was busy playing with her dad, so she wouldn't play with me anyhow"

I kinda know how that feels. There have been days where it's been so hard to see couples together, at the grocery store, parent interviews or even concerts. There's an empty space tattooed in my heart. It leaves me feeling so less than, and that great sleeping pain, sleeping soundlessly at the bottom of all that is me, stirs and I am reminded I am standing on the back of a great sleeping monster.

It's easy for me, given the right circumstances, I could fall in love again and then I'm one of them, the happy couples feeling the avo's together in the grocery store, saying, "Don't forget the loo paper" or other such benign things. But N can't get herself another dad can she? She only has one, and though it's very complicated, in some ways he has abandoned her, he isn't there standing in the parking lot playing with her is he?

I have abandoned ship as well, if I am perfectly honest with myself? When was the last time I was fun? 14 years of living with a serial adulterer can sure knock the stuffings out of you, but can I honestly blame Roger for the fact that I chose not to be a happy or a fun mom? Can I really blame him for the fact that I am mostly unhappy,seldom cheery and hardly ever fun?  There are single mom's out there who are fun, and every once in a while I may be somewhat cheerful. At times like these my oldest son will come up to me and say,"Why can't you be like this more often mom?"

Well? The answer is I choose not to. Heaven only knows why. I choose to wear my pain all over me like Lady Gaga's latest fashion statement made entirely of slabs of maggoty meat. I feel sorry for myself. Yes, I know I am being hard on myself, but every now and then someone's got to.

I was always the serious parent, constantly fretting,worrying about this and that. Roger was always the fun parent. Always introducing us to new activities and situations. He loved being spontaneous. He was never afraid of new challenges. He ski-ed, snowboarded, he water ski-ed, he fly fished,tied his own flies,did photography, sailed,he learned to fly a light aeroplane and got his pilots licence. When he left it was like the fun left our house. The tickle monster left with him and the bucking bull too. The children loved to ride in our home-made rodeo. He would snort and paw at the ground in the homemade pen made from blankets in the lounge, when we opened the gate he would charge out bucking and bucking until the screeching and giggling child was thrown from his back and then gore them several times in the tummy with his face. I'm tearing up as I read this, cause I loved the tickle monster and the bucking bull too.

I have to believe that there is some kinda wonderful fun in each one of us.  My beautiful 5, really miss those fun times. They spend their days with their noses in cell-phones, computer games etc. I scold them and try to restrict their electronic time, but I really should be introducing them to other ways of enjoying life. The prescription for our family is a good healthy dose of fun, in whatever form that takes.

Fun people are often funny. Take Yoda for example. He has a naturally amusing personality, I am most often laughing when I am speaking to him, he can't help but be entertaining. My children just love having him over. Partly because he is such fun to be around, but also because they like to hear me laugh. We had such a fun time the other day playing boardgames with him, his laughter was so infectious. Good memories.

So, it's time to remove the un-fun parts of me and get in touch with my own brand of fun. My children really really need it, and amidst all those have to do's,I must find a way of making FUN a priority. Wouldn't it be nice if when I die, people remember me as someone who was fun to be around. Wouldn't it be wonderful?
You bet it would.