Inglorious Braces!

Oh what a time we have all had my best beloveds, at the hand of that Nazi, the ex and his Fraulein Fluff!
I feel like I just come down from them dern Smokie Mountains,dressed like a civilian, crossed five thousand miles of water, fought my way through half of Sicily and jumped out of a fetchin' air-o-plane to teach those dern Nazi's a lesson in humanity. ( To misquote Lt Aldo Rein)

Let's back up a little, dearly beloved to put you right smack bang in the middle of the perty little picture. About 5 years ago, K, my eldest had the most shockingest pair of easter bunny teeth you ever did see. Her baby teeth were just peachy, but as each cute little baby tooth pushed the tooth mouse down deeper into overdraft, the biggest most unruliest teeth you ever clapped your eyes on, grew in it's place.

On school picture day,she did one of them lips squeezed together curl up the ends, you ain't never gonna photograph MY teeth, smiles - and she was a smart kid for it. So there was nothing we could do, but hitch up the old mare and go riding off to the orthodontist. Him sitting rubbing his hands together in delight,he saw the both of us coming , me and that toad Roger, forgive me, that Nazi toad Roger.

So K got her braces. There's a certain satisfaction knowing that those lecherous teenage boys are going to think twice before diving in and French kissing a girl who has Alcatraz style barbed wire protecting her pretty little mouth. BUT, there is skant comfort in it for the poor teenage girl. So wearing these horrible braces has been a source of great torment for the poor K, she's had them on for 5 whole years, that's like life without parole for a kid...

Eventually it was decided that K needed to have an operation on her jaw, to shortcut the whole braces procedure. So nearly two years ago I sent the Nazi toad, the information on the pricing for the operation etc etc. He agreed to pay the fees. Sorted, right?

Of course your'e a savvy bunch and you know with that Nazi, Roger on the loose, some sort of screw up is bound to happen. Anyhow, the day of the pre-op visit to the dental surgeon arrived and and half an hour before the appointment, Roger, the Nazi toad, sms'ed to say, he didn't realize that the amount he had ready for the operation, was only for the surgeon, a further sum of R30 000, was still needed for the operation to pay the hospital fees and so the operation would have to be postponed.. Add another year of braces. NOOOOOOO!

I phoned the dental surgeon's rooms, I was a hostage negotiator, we negotiated, she gave me a day to come up with the money. I went to work, and came up with the money. You should know better than to play Nazi poker with me, toad. I see you the hospital fees, so let's have the surgeon's fees, nice and easy, no sudden moves, I have the barrel of a gun pointed right at your...most nazi-est bits!

But that whiley toad had an ace up his sleeve, a card he reserves for just these sorts of circumstances, his most nazi-est bits were OUT OF CELL PHONE SIGNAL...touche!( The Botswana wilds has his Nazi behind covered) One day for the money to be deposited into the surgeons bank account or no operation this year. tick...tock...tick...tock...., the blue wire...or the red...which one do I cut?????

I decide to phone his head office in Durban for assistance, the same offices where Fluff works side by side with Roger. I take the "Phone a friend " option, only this isn't friendly territory. "Do you have any other way I can contact him? It's an emergency regarding his child." First time I am phoning his office.

The Nazi personal assistant, gives me the satellite phone number. I try it ..nothing. So I phone back, anything else? No she has done all she can. THIRD PHONE CALL. ( Perhaps if I can find out which lodge he is working at, I can make a plan) Someone else is on the line....the PA has stepped out the room, as has Fluff,   ( YEAH REALLY!!!) She tells me this is not their problem to solve, she tells me to stop calling, she tells me she will not take any more calls from me ( It sounds like she thinks I am a deranged stalker, just how imaginative has Roger been justifying this divorce?)...HOW RUDE. Nazi telephone roulette and I am staring at a bullet flying down the chamber addressed to me, with love from that vixen Fuff!

Eventually that toad Roger get's hold of me. I'm in tears. I wail in Roger's ear for a bit, like a second rate spy. The second conversation sees me a bit stronger. I'm fighting fit. To cut a long story short, I win the verbal tussle, the money gets deposited. Operation Bunny Teeth is on. The Allied forces are victorious, confetti floats in the air...what? Oh well I feel like I've just won a war...even if it's just one more battle.