Wrong choice of movie.

The kids have gone on a short holiday to the coast with Roger and Fluff. The car left, filled to capacity with Charles, the puppy and Mika, Roger's African Grey Parrot and a bootload of fishing rods.I know I should be dealing with things better but I'm like a stuck record, stuck on feeling inferior, stuck on feeling sorry for myself, stuck on being stuck. Oh yeah, I'm Brer Fox and the tar baby alright. I'm faced with the cold hard fact that Roger is now in a relationship with Fluff. He seems to be happy with this new relationship, Fluff seems to be happy. Mika the parrot is happy. Charles the puppy, is happy. Everyone else is happy, except me! 

I'm trying  to discover why I feel like I do. Do I still have feelings for Roger? I don't think so. I still have feelings for the notion of an in tact family. That happy little unit, where everyone is where they are supposed to be and the circle is unbroken. No ragged, wretched ripping apart of the family unit, no children barely living without a dad, no miserable mom  merely existing in despair and clinging on to sanity with her un gel tipped fingernails.

 A marriage has a life of it's own, with it's own character traits and personality. The fact that our marriage was like a highly dysfunctional teen, addicted to tik, means nothing. The truth is I worried about it, fretted about it, cried over it, prayed about it and agonised around it, for 17 long years. Like the mother of  a wayward child, I was  always hoping that one day things would turn out alright. It didn't. I wanted it to be ok,not only for me, but for the children too. I think it died a long time ago, and I probably carried it's carcass around with me for at least 8 more years, not realizing it was long gone. Smacks of madness I know. I pretended  to myself it would resurrect itself, like the mythical Phoenix if I would just not give up. I was living in the twilight zone, on the razor edge divide between sanity and delusion with one foot firmly on the delusional side.I'm scaring myself now...

Not to get all co-dependent on you all here, but truly my source of self - esteem came from the fact that Roger loved me and thought the world of me. Like an umbilical cord, his love fed my feelings of worth. I'm like the mouse whose cheese was moved, but a really dim witted one. I've been scurrying to the same place for years, discovering and rediscovering the cheese has been moved.I angst and fret, "Oh why oh why was the cheese moved?."  Each day I arrive disappointed -no cheese....Geez Louise - "Who moved my cheese?" You would have thought by now I might have tried a new and improved route to the same old corner of disappointment. I have sort of, but the net result is the same, I still think that the solution to my self-loathing and unhappiness, will come in the form of a man. Period. A new plug in drug,  where I can mainline my processed cheese. I'm sure the Lab Tech above is scratching his head amazed at how infinitely obtuse this lab rat can be. While all the other little white rats have given up long ago and now have found new ways of finding cheese, I on the other hand have worn out the path to major disappointment. So imagine my feelings as I wave goodbye to Roger and the kids, whilst Fluff sits in the front seat, my nice block of cheese sitting on her lap...No wonder I wasn't in a good place yesterday.

So Yoda phones to see how I am doing. I'm doing abject misery and self loathing,with a twist of feeling very sorry for myself and I'm pretty good at it, thank you. I do a good job of winding myself into deeper and deeper depression as I lament to Yoda on the phone. Yoda wisely realizes there is not much he can do here. I'm childish and silly and I know it, only I don't know what else I could be, given that Fluff has just driven off with my cheese! 

I'm also no Einstein when it comes to operating all the electronic media devices in the house, and I can't figure out how to change the channel to crime. I'm craving serial killers and rapists. The TV is stuck on the movie 

channel and "Stepmom" has just started.

It's the story of Jackie ( Susan Sarandon) crows feet beginning to show, slightly jaded single mom. Still not over the whole cheese snatching thing... She plays opposite Isabel, ( Julia Roberts) . Oh for goodness sakes, Julia Roberts and ...those lips!  Life's not fair. It's clear from the start that Isobel and Luke have a wonderful sexy, romantic awesome relationship ( Oh fail) and she loves him, ( Ed Harris) despite his obvious balding. 

Susan is a great mom, still struggles to come to terms with the fact that Ed and Julia seem to be having cheese fondue's every night if you catch my drift. She gets cancer and eventually dies,  leaving her kids to that balding flake Ed and Julia... Oh what a movie. 

I cry in Disney movies. I disintegrated in this one. Eventually had to call in Maggie, the hound for moral support. Maggie sat on the couch next to me, while everything in a half meter radius got moistened. Just at the end of the show, Yoda phones. He finds this terribly funny and laughs hysterically and uncontrollably. I'm still sobbing as I explain the plot and the various stages of my falling apart. I'm laughing, I'm crying, he's still laughing. Thank goodness for good friends eh? ( smile)