Blah Blah Blah Fishpaste

Iv'e been a hamster in a treadmill lately. Feeling angry and blue, angry and blue...you get the picture.  Round and round I go riding the gamut of negative feelings a never ending downward spiral. Am I depressed? I am in mourning.  My feelings are draped in black lace. I can't seem to shake the heavy weight I feel. The chasm between where I wish my life was, where I expected to be and where I am now rivals the grand canyon. It is my grand canyon of disappointment .Inside of me a great and formidable two year old is having a terrible temper tantrum.I am so frustrated with life. Moments like these are where the brave and the strong and the brave rise up and fight.  I am none of the above. I'm close to rolling over and playing dead rather.

I feel so terribly lonely right now. I want to connect with another human being in a very deep and meaningful way. I want someone to co-pilot this plane with this precious cargo in it, my navigational instruments have failed and I am all over the place. I miss being touched. Hugged, kissed.I want to be held each and every day and  to feel loved and cherished.

There are so many things we want in life but the universe holds it out of our reach. Like a big brother teasing his younger sibling holding what we want up in his clenched fist high up above our heads. We jump, we lash out, we cry, we pout, but still what we want is out of our reach. Eventually we give up and leave, heavy hearted, knowing we are at the utter mercy of that vindictive older brother. Seeing his fun gone, sometimes he carelessly tosses what we want in our general direction.

So here I am with my dreams hopes and wishes all in a cherry wood casket. I make no apologies for this melodramatic moment. I'm dressed in black, veiled, hiding a tear streaked face, "Goodbye sweet girly dreams" Roger I thought you were my pillow guy, the one who, as a little girl, I would cuddle up to at night and dream of being married to. My happily ever after... Now you have your own pillow girl, Fluff, who runs every day, swims long distance, runs long distance marathons, and I can't even last five minutes on the dreaded step machine at Virgin Active. It hurts so much that you think she is so much better than me, that you don't want to be with me anymore, I don't want to be with you anymore, I didn't like the way you made me feel in the end, the way you saw me - all the cheating and all the agitation and crisis, the way I was always one of the children in your eyes, never your equal. I don't know when you started to loose respect for me,it must have been a slow leak, but one day I looked and saw you had little left for me. It hurt to see you have respect for Fluff, I saw it in your eyes, she's 14 years younger than me and I can see you value her opinions and treat her like an equal. Is it me?

Universe, with my dreams in your beastly balled up fist, Is it me???? Why don't you go and pick on someone your own size. Why don't you go over to that fellow Roger and snatch a few of his dreams away from him wouldn't you. I'm tired of watching him reach his goals and dreams.....his flying lessons, now he has a pilots licence and a plane, he always wanted to work in the bush, now he is a doctor to the rich and famous in the bush, he calls all the 5 star lodges in the bush his second home,Sabie Sands, Madikwe, Kenya,Botswana....What a dream....He was never shy to reach out and go for his dreams.....Now he has the girl of his dreams...... He is always jetting off to wonderful destinations "for work" - Bah Humbug...I know, he had the courage to dream, to chase after his dreams.....Maybe he outgrew me - I'm the tighty whities of his past...(that he wouldn't be caught dead in)..Fluff is presumably the silky smooth boxers of his present, his Calvin Klein's of today....

Time to chase a few dreams of my own... :-)