I know I shouldn't do it but I do. I compare myself continually to Roger. It's as if I am holding an unofficial competition with him. Guess who always comes stone last? Me! Today I discovered he is studying to do his PHD. He is going to be Dr Dr.... I just can't compete with him...but how do I stop?
I am desperate to prove to myself and those in my past I have appointed as judge and jury over my worth that I am not the useless amount to nothing person they all thought I was. That I wasn't toxic. That I shouldn't have been cast aside. Each time I squeeze into my snug jeans I berate myself. Roger lost his boep and goes to the gym regularly. I am studying a Mickey Mouse coaching course, and he is doing his PHD.
This unofficial competition is relentless, the rules unfair. I have to be better than him in all aspects to prove to myself I am worth anything. To prove that I was not worth casting aside. To prove that he made a horrible mistake leaving me.
I guess my rules for being an OK person are all crazy making. I'm looking for affirmation outside of myself. The sensible rule book always says comparing yourself to others is not helpful. How does ones self esteem ever recover from spending far too many years with someone who thought you weren't worth building a marriage with and sharing a life together? Someone who found the girls at work far more worthy of his attention? How soon into the marriage did he decide I wasn't worth anything or at least I wasn't worth staying faithful to?
Tonight isn't a good night for this girl. It doesn't help when your teenager says "I hate you!" as some teenagers are prone to do when their phone has been confiscated for a while and you just discovered you have been holding the body of their phone hostage rather than the whole phone and that the SIM, which is really the brains of the cell phone has been freely roaming into and out of their siblings phones.
Recovering a sense of self and worth is a long hard process particularly if you sold out to yourself a long time ago. Just need to figure out how to do it.
You worth does not come from him...and it never did. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world (and not well paid either) He didnt build 5 bodies, give birth then clean, teach, cloth, help and raise five people. Having done both jobs I can testify that going to work is the much easier option.
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair of you to compare yourself, others see you differently and no doubt see the wonderful things you obviously miss.
I think, if you insist on comparing yourself to someone, you need to look for someone worthy of being compared to, surely. Why would you want to be compared to someone who hurts people and cheats? That's just too easy - you win hands down every time for being the one who has stuck with it all and endured what you have. He may have a flat stomach and a pending PhD but without morals and ethics ........ What would you rather have?
ReplyDeleteYes, it certainly is crazy thinking and not at all logical. This kind of thinking never will make me happy or take me further along the path to healing. Yet, somehow every now and then I fall into the trap of punishing myself with these self - defeating thoughts. I look forward to a time when my life is completely independent of crazy making thoughts and unfavourable comparisons. Now that would be real progress....
ReplyDeleteOn the side note. I was glad to hear I'm not the only mother these days that gets the "I hate you" when I found out I've been deceived!
ReplyDelete