Half Baked Stories

My feelings on the whole Fluff could be exiting the relationship scenario is rather interesting. I was sad! I have grown rather fond of Fluff myself. She is young enough to be like a sister to the kids, and has actually been rather good to the kids as well.I think she has had a stabilizing effect on Roger. Who knows what he would do on his own... and who else he may get into a relationship with. That old adage certainly applies." Rather the devil you do know, than the one you don't". Bottom line is Fluff is good to the kids, so I'd like to keep her in the mix. 

Anyhow, I think I had a bit of a half baked story anyhow. It looks like she is only going to be going overseas after January, but is having Christmas in Botswana with her family. I expect Roger will join her there, so the alarm buttons have been accidently deployed. A relationship fire drill so to speak. Sorry! Got all excited for nothing...or was that panic? It was interesting to examine my feelings though. Is this a sign that I am well and truly over Roger? I think I have been so OVER him for a very long time, actually. YAY! 

Now comes the hard part of trying to make sense of my own life and who I have become in reaction to the whole Rogering debacle. It's true to say, I'm not the woman I used to be. I'm crustier, dented, bruised and have lost that ole naivety and endless optimism. I'm a whole heap crabbier too. I may even go so far as to say I'm not nice anymore. I met someone today, who reminded me of who I used to be, pre-Roger. She was like a breath of fresh air in a room that hasn't been aired for a very long time. I breathed in great gollops of her niceness, ( not in a weird way I promise) grateful of the reminder. Iv'e survived a lot, been through so much, I'll never be the same again. There were times when I breathed in far too much of Roger's toxins and swallowed his poison, I haven't come out the other end unscathed, but like a small deer who has had a skirmish with a car on a busy highway, I have come out weary and a little less sweet and truth be told not very happy either. It's my happiness, I may have starved it to the point of expiry, but I think I may just have got a wake up call today. Ive wanted to be happy, yes, but finding it has been the perplexing puzzle, like a rubics cube. Progress looks like youre moving away from the solution, but in truth youre seconds away from having it solved.

The great thing is that I finally get it - My happiness had nothing to do with dear old Roger and his filandering antics. It isn't dependent of anything Roger does or doesn't it's really up to me. I'm in charge of my own happiness. Happiness and pleasure are not the same thing either. Happiness is more likely to be associated with peace and love, the giving kind that is. It isn't selfish, it is kind and not too crabby either, and happiness has a wicked sense of humour too. Don't you just love her laugh? Tomorrow when I wake up, I'll try to be nice, find those small people in the house that are mine, hug them and tell them I love them. I'll try to be nicer to them tomorrow than I was to them today. After all they have been through the ringer too. I'll try too be a bit more patient with them too. I'm going for less crusty and more Christlike. It's a good thing.