One of the things that sit most uncomfortably with me since Roger "upgraded" is the extra rolls of me I'm carrying around since getting married. I was a gymnast and Roger was gifted a wife who had a hot bod, even if I say so myself .Though, if the rapid and skillless manoeverings in a dark room are anything to go by, he never really appreciated the fact fully. My "hotness and pertness" were sincerely wasted on the likes of him.They say you can always tell how appreciated a woman is by her man, in the way she takes care of herself.
I was a slight 49kg's on the day I got married, a size 6, five children later, my body has behaved like an accordian at a "boere" orkes ( oompah band) moving in and out as it accommodated and then evacuated each child. I'm not sure that lacy wedding number would even make it past my neck. A fact ,I am finding difficult to come to terms with, as my Renaissance look is not really as revered as it would have been a few centuries ago.
My breasts, have gone all "Lewis and Clark" on me and have mounted an expedition South.They are no longer satisfied to be nestled in the foothills of my shoulders. Luckily I'm "po"which is worse than poor or I might be serenading some plastic surgeon " Love, lift them up where they belong." Of course that could result in some other "boobie disaster" like the woman who came back from surgery with chameleon nipples, eyes all over the place. ( True Story) Someone being dragged kicking and screaming through the aging process once quipped" I don't plan to grow old gracefully, I plan to have face lifts until my ears meet."
Of course Roger was quick to site my weight gain as a reason for his departure in fact if I remember the conversation clearly, it combined the words nausea an intimacy with me rather effectively to cement the self loathing and sense of failure and worthlessness I feel around my appearance. Are there any men out there who view these changes in a woman's body as a manifestation of the miracle of life? Nah...didn't think so.
Brigitte Bardot once said:" It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen." I think every woman has the right to feel beautiful, despite size and the location of her various body parts." Kiss my ass" ! but you have to find it first! "The saddest part of this experience is to have that sense of beauty violated. We look at our body with an increased sharpness and criticalness and have a complete physical identity crisis. I hope to feel "ripe" and "sexy" and "beautiful" again, regardless of imperfections and how others may perceive me.
It's a path worth pursuing and one I must take if I am to heal. I need to dig deep and find that Sophia Loren inside of me, sexy till I'm over sixty! I need to rid myself of my inner Roger, and focus on the beauty I see around me rather than in the mirror. Make friends with the girl in the mirror. Loving your body means taking better care of it.
Oh my sweet friend, you make me laugh :-) in the best possible way ever!!! I read these blogs and smiled and even felt a lump in my throat at a point or two because I soooooo see myself. Every emotion, every doubt, every self-bashing thought. Now aren't you lucky, I can tell you it does get better and you do get over it - one little step at a time and learn to love never mind just like the woman in the mirror, bursting with confidence having FINALLY found that Sophia Loren sexy past sixty. Or perhaps that would be FOXY past FORTY
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