Hysterical Henrietta and Quiet Wisdom.

 Happy New Year Ya'll! I'm wishing you all sorts of good things for the year to come. Like a Christmas stocking,   I'm hoping your year ahead contains a few cheap thrills, some unexpected joys and obviously one or two mandatory dud moments. I used to be quite excited by the new year ahead, like a kid before Christmas, but the last few years has me wondering if I'm going to be equal to the challenges that lie ahead.

 I definitely am experiencing shudders that are well above normal on the trepidation scale. How jaded I have become! I hope 2010 restores my faith in life. I'm not feeling any of the electricity and excitement that a new year used to bring. The end of my fingers are tingleless and my heart is unmoved, the old resolution machine has rusted and I'm wary. I'm crouching tiger, hidden dragon - I'm ready for you, 2010, bring it on! You see what I mean? Should one really be reaching for the knuckledusters on the first day of the year? I'm like an ex marine that's seen too much action.

2010 has some pluses already.  Iv'e moved into a spanking new home and apart from a small corner cowering in the scullery, my small corner of shame, it's all organised and so utterly lovely. I feel like a new girl. Is this really me?

I survived the longest holiday ever, including Christmas without kids. Truth be told I worked so hard the days just flew. I viewed Christmas with distasteful eyes. "Oh YOU again?" I feigned disinterest. I  was the perfect Scrooge. Bah Humbug! It nearly worked and I only shed tears once and my voice only gave a small wobble  ( barely noticeable) when  I spoke to the kids on the phone. This year I can get all Christmasy again, my tree will be up in November, the 31st ( I won't push it) and we'll go caroling in sad sack Christmas Hats, Grandpa will don socks on his ears( In his all important role as donkey) as we "act" the nativity - it will be so super the glow will last for two years till I can do it all over again. I'll have 5 pairs of  eyes rolling at me in perfect sync as I find new and glorious ways to embarrass them and earn fuddy duddy points. Ah! Too good to be true.

Seeing Roger and Fluff return from the three week holiday in his Mahindra and trailer and my kids was hard on the emotional parts of me. Fluff, was not nearly as harassed as I would like her to have been and seems to have taken holidaying with 5 kids in her stride. Close encounters of the ex kind always leave me somewhat unhinged in a rock bottom self - esteem kind of way. Hysterical Henrietta makes an appearance and she gets me so upset and worked up and depressed, Fluffs skinny ass burned into my memory.She can rant and rave for days leaving  me feeling so last year, but I know how to handle her. I journal and journal till she's done ranting and Quiet Wisdom ( My inner First Nation ( Indian) Princess) begins to talk to me. She looks at things   from a big,big picture point of view and assures me that yes indeed Fluffs butt will eventually sag and she'll lose her youthful glow too, she tries to point out that these things are really not so important in the long run, but knows I'm not ready to hear that yet. She shows me the things I have instead of highlighting in neon pink highlighter the things that I have lost,  she whispers quiet courage into my soul and I am filled with wonder and amazement that someone so wise and present resides in my jumbled up trough of thoughts and feelings.

I must concur with Quiet Wisdom, I have a lot to look forward to, this is my last decade with kids at home, something that ought to be treasured down to the last little drop. Oh and I will...starting with 2010.

Out damn pity!

Well my friend self pity has made a nice cosy little spot for herself in my life. She spends her days by the fire, knitting some pity pantoffels.( slippers) She keeps me company,  prattling on about how hard things are for me. She reminds me that Roger still looks good, and has a lovely apartment by the sea with his 28 year old girlfriend  ( he's probably happier now than he has ever been ) He is a qualified doctor  and does his groceries a Woolies. She's quick to point out that I'm not 28 anymore, the extra pounds Ive put on since he bid his final adieu have not passed her by and my bank balance on this the 7th of the month ( with 5 growing kids to feed) has even had her conversing animatedly with her cousin, Panic.He may swing by at the end of the month for a visit. (or perhaps even sooner)

Panic and self pity were right there when the kids spotted a whole lot of grey hairs sprouting on my head, wish my eyesight was good enough to see properly....For all intents and purposes it feels like the end of a pacman game with the flashing lights saying "GAME OVER"

Yes, under similar circumstances many others would have given up their spare beds for "tannie Pity" too, as I have done. Circumstance reports predict that things are not about to change for a while, It will take more than a year of brutal self denial and self flagellation at the gym to remove the extra ponds denting my self-esteem and as for the financials ....

Iv'e noticed since Pity's been pottering around that Joy, and Hope and Gratitude seldom pop by. Peace has gone on some extended holiday and Bitterness has moved next door.  Perhaps Iv'e been foolish letting what appears to be a harmless old duck in my life, I should really choose my friends more wisely.What good can come out of this relationship? Her relatives lethargy, hopelessness, impotence and self-loathing are really a self defeating bunch.Do I really need them in my life?

Iv'e given that old Self - Pity her eviction notice. I need the space in my soul for growth and healing and a host of other positively powerful visitors that will encourage me and give me healing in my wings. I think I'll give Faith a call and see if she has time for a visit.....